Not sure why I decided to come back on here and write. I actually forgot I even had this.
But I needed something to do. Something to write on. Something to tell things to.
Because people don't listen. They hear you, but they don't listen.
Only their feelings and opinions matter. It's always about them. They are selfish. It's hard for a person to put someone else in front of themselves or try to realize what the other person is actually feeling without becoming defensive or argumentative.
Sometimes I just want to talk. I want to get out how I feel, what's bothering me.
I want to get out my side. I want someone to see and hear and even feel, my side.
I've always been the odd one out. My entire life. I don't think I was truly ever wanted.
But, here I am. 33 years later still feeling the same way. Unwanted.
I feel unwanted as an adult and I am still that child inside that is lonely and hurt. Just wanting someone to pick them up and give them a giant hug and want them.
I wanted that...I still want that.
The feeling of emptiness is overwhelming. It's so lonely. So indescribable. So...dark.
I'm married now. We have 4 kids together. The love I have for them is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I never knew love existed, let alone the love a mother has for her children.
I don't feel it back. I know my kids love me. They love me very much. But I don't feel it.
I always second guess it when they say it. I feel like they choose their dad over me.
I feel like I am in their way or just...here.
I know it's not how they feel. But I feel like it is. This probably makes no sense. Not to a normal person. But to me, it makes perfect sense. Because it's how I feel.
I'm not sure anyone loves me. They say they do. But I don't feel it. What does it even feel like?
Is it because I never felt it as a child I am immune to that feeling? Or because I was never wanted, accepted, loved, encouraged, made my parents happy, ect..as a child that I don't want to feel it now? Because it's uncomfortable for me? I don't know. I have struggled with this for years. I do not feel love. I don't even like the word love. It makes me uncomfortable.
I tell my children I love them every single day. And I do. More than anything in this entire universe. I don't want them to ever feel about love the way I do. I want them to feel it, experience it, enjoy it, say it, and hear it.
But I feel that that kind of love is different. Different from what you would feel as a child from your parents. Or what you would feel from a spouse.
I don't even feel my husband loves me. Never have. Probably never will.
Anymore, I don't feel anything. If I do, it's rare. Very rare.
I don't feel happy. I may smile and laugh but I'm not feeling "happy".
I don't feel sad. I can't even cry anymore. I try. I try hard. I can't. There isn't anything there. I feel like the 33 years that I've been here on earth, I have cried so much I am cried out.
I want to cry, be happy, be sad over something stupid, get butterflies in my stomach, feel scared of something simple...anything.
I can't.
Not by choice. Not because I haven't tried. I literally just cannot feel anything.
If I am dreaming and in my dream I am feeling an emotion, I want to keep dreaming. I want to stay in that dream for hours because it feels so good to feel something.
I am lonely. That feeling I know. I know that all too well. I've felt it my entire life.
It's sadly almost comforting because it's what I know. I have friends, family, a husband, pets...but I'm lonely.
I feel if I fell off of this earth tomorrow people wouldn't notice for a week. And when they did, it wouldn't be a big deal. Sure, they say it would. But, would it?
My marriage is crumbling and I feel nothing. I don't feel sad or mad. I don't feel scared.
I feel nothing. Sure, I did have some tears but I had no emotions with it.
I know what I should feel and how I should feel. But I don't feel it. I'm trying to. But I don't.
What does that mean?
I've tried talking to my husband about things but it escalates and things get ugly. He gets very defensive when I call out something he is doing that upsets me and he loves to point his finger at me. And I take it. I sit there and I take it.
I take all the things he says is wrong with me and how I am the one with issues and I take it. Do you know why? Because I feel something. It's nostalgia.
From all of those years as a child being told I'm not good enough, I'm in the way, I am this and that, and I shouldn't be here...
Those are the things that make me feel something. So, I just take it. I don't even defend myself anymore.
Sometimes I try to talk, speak my mind, express how he hurt my feelings, but it never fails. It's my fault.
He's not a bad guy. Not at all. He's very, very hard to talk to, but he's not a bad person. It's just....him.
I wonder why I keep trying. Is it because I know he will react this way and I will get to feel SOMETHING? I don't know....
I'm not perfect. Not by any means whatsoever. But I've never claimed to be.
I have issues that are deeper than the ocean. A lot that I hide that no one knows.
A lot that goes unnoticed. A lot that just doesn't get talked about. Because it's not their problem. Who cares about me. I'm just a speck in their world.
I don't have family. None of my own. Sure I have a mom. But she only claims me when she wants.
I don't see or speak to the rest. When my dad passed when I was 15, his other children pretty much did away with me. That's ok. I'm use to that.
It's mainly my husbands family. So of course I'm the "intruder".
When I'm gone and out of the picture, it's nothing off of their backs.
They are a wonderful family. Every single one of them. Couldn't ask for a better family, actually.
But, I'm the black sheep.
Last to ask to do something. Last to "hang out" with the others. Always seem to somehow piss people off. Sometimes I wonder if they are just looking for a reason to hate me. It seems harsh and maybe that is not the case, but it's how I feel. I have reasons for feeling this way. Not like I chose to because it "feels good" to feel this way. No. But, whatever.
I'm...different. Not like them. I'm not their cup of tea. I use to be. Then I was replaced by the new sister in law.
It's fine. Apparently I like these feelings better than "love".
My husband even noticed and mentioned to my mother in law how I would like to be asked to go places with them sometimes. How sad is that? I felt like an idiot. A friendless idiot.
Of course, I don't have the money like the others, or apparently as enjoyable. But that's ok. I had a good run, I guess.
I don't feel sorry for myself nor do I want anyone else to. Not even for a second. I'm just speaking what is on my mind. And here is where people usually get defensive.
They don't want to see your side. It's always a one sided view.
I try not to be that way. I am sure I have done it before. But I really try not to.
I'm not sure what my existence is anymore. Why am I here? I don't bring joy to people, I can't seem to do a damn thing right, I fail at almost everything..
I want to live until I am 95 years old. But I want to feel. I want to love. I want to have those butterflies that are full of emotions.
I want to be wanted. I want to be heard. I want to be a part of something great.
I want to wake up and not feel so lonely and empty that my heart echoes inside its walls.
I want to feel full and wanted and needed. I NEED to feel these things.
No therapist or counselor has ever helped. It's almost like they don't listen either.
They are so far in to their medical books they don't see it any other way..
I just want someone by my side, on my side, for the rest of my life.
I'm getting tired. No, I am tired.
I am SO tired. I can't deal with this much longer. The emptiness. I watch people all the time and just want what they have.
It could be holding hands with a person they love. The smile on their face and the light in their eye is something I want so badly.
I want to be that kid crying and hurting because they lost their goldfish.
I want to be that person that is bursting with excitement to get on that next rollercoaster ride. I want to be the person who is screaming like an idiot because they just got stung by a bee.
Crazy? Yes. Insane? Perhaps. Too much to ask? I don't think so....
